How To Do Disney World If You are Not Into Disney

In case you’ve stumbled upon this put up through a Google search, please remember that it is a very particular article. It’s a information to visiting Disney World in the event you’re not that into Disney. I actually am not that into Disney. And I fear about saying this, as a result of a few of the adults I noticed at Disney World appeared to be very, very, very into it. I’m nearly scared to write down something remotely scathing lest I get bombarded with abuse from Disney super-fans. Stabbed to demise with a crystal-encrusted fairy Godmother wand. Strangled with a stretched-out Slinky Canine toy.

However right here’s the factor: a lot of the adults I do know in actual life aren’t that into Disney. They haven’t any sturdy emotions about it both manner. And this put up is for them. Possibly you additionally haven’t any sturdy emotions about Disney: maybe you’re just about ambivalent about it. Possibly spending a small fortune to fly midway the world over and trip round a man-made river in a fibreglass clamshell isn’t excessive in your precedence listing. This put up is for you, too.

And you probably have arrived at this put up through a Google search and are actually perplexed as to why anybody of their proper thoughts would go to Disney World in the event that they weren’t that into it then I’ve one phrase for you (a phrase that needs to be fairly apparent however I’ll indulge): children. Children are absolutely the rationale nearly all of adults go to any theme park and – I’m going to exit on a limb right here – additionally the rationale that adults go to locations like Centerparcs. As a result of what kid-free grownup would voluntarily pay Enterprise Class to Barbados cash to be able to keep in a fake log cabin, go swimming in an enormous greenhouse and dine at a collection of the worst eateries Nice Britain has to supply?

I’d hazard a guess at…not many. (I feel I most likely nonetheless have Canterparcs to look ahead to, by the way in which – the youngsters by no means cease happening about it.)

So anyway, right here’s my information to doing Disney in the event you’re not that into Disney – aka “doing it for the youngsters”. And I haven’t written this put up to decrease the expertise of these adults who love a nostalgic, balloon-filled jaunt to Orlando with their particular Mickey Mouse backpacks on (in the event you learn on you’ll see that I’m not completely proof against its charms) nor to be any kind of Debbie Downer in regards to the place. If you happen to learn How To Book A Holiday That You’ll All Enjoy you’ll see that I booked the journey to Disney partially as a result of I had at all times been inquisitive about it: had needed to tick it off the listing. See what it was all about. It wasn’t fully a beneficiant act of self-flagellation/martyrdom/madness and, at any price, I’m fairly non-judgemental in relation to what makes different individuals tick.

You get your thrills from the vacuum cleaner, energy turned right down to “rug” setting? Who am I to evaluate. Spend your weekends writing love letters with your personal blood? Knock your self out. You voluntarily make an annual pilgrimage to a spot with a pink citadel and a haunted lodge, the place each different constructing’s a merchandise retailer and each worker calls you pal? Barely extra area of interest, however you do you…*

Listed below are some – hopefully – useful pointers for these contemplating a visit to Orlando.

1. Ask Your self: Do You Even Need To Go

I didn’t wish to begin on a low however I’m attempting to write down an sincere, useful information right here for individuals who don’t love theme parks. So. Be upfront with your self. Do you even wish to go to Disney? If you happen to’re a bit curious and it could make your child’s yr then that’s one factor: if you understand that you’re actively going to detest it, since you hate Organised Pleasure™ and since queues make you go chilly and since loud clips of music performed on a loop may simply ship you over the sting…don’t go. Simply don’t.

Resulting from the truth that I’ve unrealistic expectations of issues and am eternally optimistic when it fits my agenda, I assumed that the queues and the crowds and the noise at Disney World wouldn’t actually trouble me. I additionally thought that the entire Necessary Enjoyable™ facet of all of it could be OK, despite the fact that I’m a cynical previous boot and assume Mickey Mouse is likely one of the creepiest cartoon characters ever drawn.

I’ll be frank: all the above bothered me, to various levels. To not the purpose the place I used to be doing a Michael Douglas in Falling Down however quite a lot of the time it positively didn’t really feel fulfilling, within the typical sense of the phrase. It felt intense. Extra of an expertise than an indulgence. I feel you’re both a theme park fanatic otherwise you’re not; you’re both the kind of one who can succumb to your childlike glee at princess appearances and glitter-filled balloons otherwise you’re the kind of one who’d quite pluck out your personal tonsils with a pair of blacksmith’s tongs.

I discovered it simple to be swept away by the youngsters’ sense of pleasure and that was an exquisite, memorable factor, but when that enthusiasm stage ever waned, even fleetingly, I’d discover myself screaming inside my very own head: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL AM I EVEN DOING HERE IF THEY DON’T EVEN LOVE IT?

Think twice is all I’m saying. If you happen to assume you’ll hate it then you definately nearly positively will. There are bits I cherished (carry on studying) and I’m glad I went, as a result of it was a really distinctive expertise, however there have been contact and go moments the place I’d prefer to have turned again time and spent the cash on a seaside vacation with a children’ membership. Or two seaside holidays. Possibly even three. And on that observe:

2. Value It Up Correctly

In the case of figuring out your funds, I’m going to offer you my two cents as somebody whose endurance was stretched the minute they arrived at Magic Kingdom: prioritise not having to queue.

As a result of these queues, they’re lengthy. They have been routinely a 35 minute wait even for probably the most primary children’ carousel and fairground sort rides. For the “huge ticket” objects – the sooner rollercoasters and in style sights (Slinky Canine rollercoaster, the Seven Dwarfs Mine Practice come to thoughts) – wait occasions have been typically two, even three hours lengthy.

Three hours! To trip for thirty seconds on a rollercoaster!

Anyway, all was not misplaced since you may purchase one thing to alleviate the ache of queueing and it was referred to as Genie Plus. Genie Plus is a kind of precedence boarding service (just like the Universal Express Pass I wrote about) that means that you can use a separate queue to the remainder of the poor sods sweltering away within the warmth. The toilers trudge by means of the conventional lane to await their destiny and also you, together with your Genie Plus, really feel smug/like a prize twat (delete as relevant) racing previous lots of of individuals in your Lightening Lane, which is totally empty and may actually be paved with gold, simply to emphasize the distinction between them and us.

There’s one thing fairly mistaken about it, isn’t there – you can pay a fortune for admission to the parks however for that colossal whack of cash all you get is the present of seeing your life slip away in half hour increments? To get right of entry to the parks and benefit from the rides and never want you have been sawing off your personal toes in a puddle of lemon juice, you could pay additional. The additional, after we have been there (second week of April), was $25 per particular person per day. Plus tax, clearly, as a result of it could be an excessive amount of to only inform individuals precisely how a lot something was going to value.

You may see how this could add up over the course of per week, this Genie Plus factor, however don’t be in any doubt that it provides you a wholly totally different expertise. On our first day on the parks we didn’t have it and managed two rides earlier than the youngsters obtained sick of ready round – it simply felt as if we have been consistently strolling then ready, strolling then ready – however on the day I paid for Genie Plus, we (and that is no phrase of a lie, I used to be an absolute ninja on the app by lunchtime) did fourteen rides. Fourteen! Not solely that, we did them over three parks. So decided was I to get my cash’s price.

The downsides of Genie Plus? Nicely. It’s not like at Common the place the go simply permits you to swagger like an entitled berk down the First Class boarding lane each time a trip takes your fancy: you must ebook your actions by means of the aforementioned app. You may solely ebook one after the other, and plenty of the fascinating rides ebook up utterly from round 7am when the app means that you can begin your frenzied bun struggle (so stress-free, so magical); however after an hour or so of being completely apoplectic with rage and disbelief, you quickly get used to the system.

Oh additionally: a lot of the actually sought-after rides aren’t included in Genie Plus. Issues just like the Tron trip and Avatar, the massive Star Wars trip and (inexplicably) the Slinky Canine rollercoaster. If you wish to go on these marvels and never queue up then the Genie Plus you’ve paid for gained’t work, you must pay a one-off price for the particular Lightening Lane. Once we have been there it was $20 every for Avatar.

Are you following all of this? Good-o.

All I’m saying is, I’d make the Genie Plus a budgeting precedence, even in the event you solely add it on for a few the times. If you must sacrifice a couple of lunches – eat huge at breakfast and early to dinner – then so be it. It’s price it.

3. Eat Massive At Breakfast

Meals. By the point we reached Disney World we had already accomplished per week in Florida (read about that here) and, to be blunt, didn’t must eat one other stack of pancakes or skewer of shrimps or double-pattied burger ever once more in our whole lives. And so we weren’t even vaguely tempted by the beckoning finger of Disney’s many and diverse meals institutions. I can not touch upon the usual of the meals as a result of genuinely, within the 5 days we spent there, we solely purchased two objects. A croissant and a baguette from a “French patisserie” in Epcot. (Each have been high-quality, not nice.)

What we did as an alternative (and this very a lot ties in with the following tip) is we purchased pretty fluffy bread rolls from the Publix grocery store, a small tub of butter and a packet of sliced ham and turkey and within the mornings we spent roughly six minutes stuffing these rolls and wrapping them in foil. In they went, into the backpack, together with eight baggage of crisps (you must have spares on this parenting life, don’t you?), 4 baggage of mini cookies and no matter different conveniently-packaged delights we’d picked up down the aisles.

Complete value of lunch every day? About six {dollars} for 4 of us. It could have been round 100 had we accomplished even a primary quick meals joint. It additionally meant we may cease after we needed, discover a shady spot and simply sit down and eat: no queues, no planning required. You would get free iced water at a lot of the food and drinks service factors and so we stuffed up our Chilly’s bottles (we took three with us in our checked baggage, can’t suggest Chilly’s bottles sufficient) and had ice chilly drinks all day lengthy.

Meals for a household of 4 at Disney isn’t low-cost (is it actually low-cost to eat out anyplace lately?); you would simply spend $300 or extra a day on meals and so that you positively want to create space for it in your funds, if budgets are your factor. (I like a vacation funds listing: something to damage my very own enjoyment. I’m mainly a self-sabotager.) Reducing out lunch bills with a straightforward packed picnic is a high-quality manner, for my part, of giving your self a bit again. To spend on Genie Plus passes…

4. Lodging: Go In Laborious

I’m going to do a complete u-turn by myself sensibilities right here and suggest one thing that I didn’t really plan, or do. As a result of I feel that this could have really made the journey to Disney a lot simpler and – I’ll say it – simply that bit higher: if I used to be going to re-do my journey then I feel I might positively…nearly positively…keep at a Disney resort.

Argh!

You probably have been following me for any size of time you’ll know that staying on a Disney resort wouldn’t be my jam. Not my jam in any respect. However hear me out, as a result of there’s methodology to my obvious insanity. I booked an Airbnb as a result of it could give us extra space, the choice to prepare dinner within the evenings if we needed (or put together picnic lunches!) and a way of freedom to come back and go from the parks that we wouldn’t get if we stayed in a lodge.

Nicely. All of that was true (and the Airbnb was about £342 per evening, so so much cheaper than one of many Disney rooms that has the separate residing space with a settee mattress for the youngsters) however we barely used the home aside from to sleep and have breakfast. We have been normally up and out by half previous eight and didn’t get dwelling till 9 ish at evening – the choice to prepare dinner was helpful, however we solely cooked as soon as. And even then, as I stood stirring burned garlic in an unfamiliar pan, I did marvel why I used to be attempting to make spaghetti bolognese with cupboard-salvaged components after I was alleged to be having the Vacation of a Lifetime™.

And, every time we drove up and down the interstate, to and from the parks, I did ponder how life would have been easier if we had simply flown straight into Orlando as an alternative of Miami, dumped our circumstances in a Disney room and eased again into per week of themed buffets and lodge water slides. I’m coming round to the concept that in the event you go to Disney, you go in onerous. No automobile journeys, no having to seek out locations to eat within the night (we ended up at 5 Guys and McDonald’s most of the time, anyway) and the advantage of having the ability to wander round later within the night to see the fireworks and evening exhibits. We didn’t do any of these ultimately, as a result of there was at all times a way that we nonetheless needed to get dwelling…

The right resolution could be the aforementioned bigger Disney room or suite with a kitchenette and a separate little area for the youngsters. Then you would make your picnics, have pastries for breakfast in the event you fancied that as an alternative of trekking right down to a buffet or what have you ever, and fill up your mini fridge with helpful snacks and bits and items to maintain the youngsters going.

However the value of that? Once we have been there, it was about £770 per evening at one of many deluxe accommodations. £350 per evening would have seen us in a twin room (two queen beds) however no kitchenette. And, as we’ve established, the kitchenette is vital…

5. Discover the Peak Instances and Keep away from Them

So: it’s all totally complicated, isn’t it, Disney? Keep there – but additionally don’t. Take a picnic, however solely you probably have a kitchenette. Have a kitchenette, however solely if you wish to prolong your mortgage. There may be one onerous and quick rule that I’d dish out although and it’s this: keep away from peak occasions. Keep away from, keep away from, keep away from!

I used crowd calendars after I was planning the journey to work out the most effective time to go to the parks (yow will discover them on Google here) after which selected per week that was in a low-medium interval of busyness. And it was nonetheless actually busy. The week earlier than had been rated as absolutely the busiest, most capability time (it was Easter) and I can not even think about what that might be like. Use the group calendars and for the love of God, keep away from the height occasions! Although apparently there are storms in the summertime months so there’s that to consider…

6. You Might All the time Wait Till They’re Older

Contemplating Disney with a child and a toddler? WHY? Why, for the love of God? If you’re not that into Disney then I can assure you they’re not. Certain, little Jimmy’s face lights up when he sees Discovering Nemo pop up on the iPad however will he keep in mind a visit to Disney in a yr’s time? No he won’t. Save your cash, go to Sani resort (nonetheless want to check that one, too) and make use of that glorious-sounding creche factor they do on the seaside. Nonetheless kicking myself that I by no means did that vacation…

There have been so many individuals at Disney with prams and toddlers, double prams, child papooses and prams, triple prams: I used to be determined to know who they have been doing it for. If it was for them, the adults, as a result of they only love Disney, then honest play. However I simply can not see how it could be price it for the very fleeting reminiscence a child or toddler would have of it.

I used to be aghast. Primarily as a result of I discovered taking my child and toddler (mine are nineteen months aside) to the grocery store sufficient of a mission once they have been little. Going to Florida and negotiating thirty-six diploma warmth so that you could trip by means of a fake tin mine? The thoughts boggles.

I’ve to say (and it’s most likely the one factor I nearly obtained utterly proper): I assumed that I pitched the journey fairly effectively when it comes to the youngsters’ ages. They have been 7 and eight at time of visiting. The littler one didn’t like a few of the feistier rides (the Millennium Falcon one, for instance, and he didn’t wish to attempt the curler coasters) however my eight yr previous was sport for completely every thing. She was a correct thrill-seeker. Maybe a yr later would have meant they’d each wish to trip all the sights however you reside and be taught. I’m not a bloody soothsayer.

Anyway, I feel that 8-ish is a stunning age to go. Sufficiently old to do all the rides and to recollect every thing (that they had higher keep in mind every thing) however nonetheless younger sufficient to be swept away by all the magic on the Most Magical Place On Earth™. Nonetheless younger sufficient for my cynicism to not have rubbed off on them.

7. Arm Your self With The Details

You’ve determined you’re going: what subsequent? I say arm your self with the info earlier than you begin reserving admission tickets and accommodations and Airbnbs. There are some issues it’s best to know that may have an effect on how you intend your vacation. As an illustration: Disney World is definitely made up of 4 totally different parks (the enduring Cinderella citadel is in Magic Kingdom after which there’s Epcot, Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios) and you may’t stroll between them. In actual fact, getting between them is a little bit of a faff, whether or not you’re taking the Disney transport system (monorails, ferries, gondolas, nearly every thing besides flying elephants) otherwise you use your personal automobile and drive from one to the opposite.

What else…there’s an attraction at Magic Kingdom referred to as Swiss Household Treehouse and it seems as if it is perhaps an journey climbing park for the youngsters. It’s not. Don’t be tempted to enter the gateway, even when it’s the one place with out a queue. It has no queue for good purpose and that’s as a result of it’s full shite.

Personally, I might analysis absolutely the bejeezus out of your journey. It gained’t spoil any surprises, it’ll simply offer you an thought of the issues it’s best to prioritise and the issues it’s best to miss. See the following tip:

8. There Are Issues You Shouldn’t Miss

Clearly this put up has a really distinct tone. Certainly one of – unsurprisingly, as a result of it’s within the title – an individual who shouldn’t be that into Disney. In fact this was by no means going to be a glitter-strewn account of which cupcakes have been the yummiest – get actual. You’re on the mistaken web site in the event you’re after popcorn stands and “high ten rope drop rides”**, child!

Nevertheless, I’ll say that there have been a couple of issues that made the entire journey worthwhile. At the very least it pulled all of it into perspective and made me nod my head properly and mutter, ‘ah, now I (kind of) get it’…

The very first thing was the Star Wars world in Hollywood Studios. It’s referred to as Galaxy’s Edge and it’s phenomenal. I grew up with Star Wars being an enormous a part of my life (the unique three movies, clearly, I gained’t even entertain the concept of the remainder of them) as a result of my brother was borderline obsessive about it and my dad and mom cherished it (when my Mum remarried she walked down the aisle to the Star Wars theme performed on the church organ) and even I knew the names of all the characters, main and minor, may determine a Gamorrean Guard and sketch a Galactic map with all the vital planets.

So it was a little bit of a second, going to Galaxy’s Edge. Once I say that you’re completely immersed within the theming I’m not exaggerating: every thing from the bogs to the bins to the drink dispensers are completely accomplished. You’re feeling – in the event you ignore all the different individuals sporting shorts and baseball caps – as if you’re really in Star Wars.

In order that was good – and the Star Wars rides have been epic. We most likely spent extra time there than anyplace else. The opposite enormous spotlight was the Avatar trip in Animal Kingdom: it was life altering. I’m not even being sarcastic, which is a primary for me. It’s a movement simulator trip the place you go on the again of a winged alien chook factor referred to as a Banshee and also you really really feel as if you’re hovering by means of the air and over land and thru slender cave openings. It’s one of the crucial thrilling issues I’ve ever accomplished, which is each stunning and barely unhappy seeing as if I used to be a world trend mannequin for twelve years. It’s the truth that you look as if you’re flying and also you really feel as if you’re flying: in your head, you might be – 100% – flying.

Bloody marvellous. You sit on this kind of bike seat after which – little bit of a shock! – a steel barrier comes up behind you and pinions you onto it from the rear after which off you go, into the land of digital actuality. And the land was so stunning – breathtakingly so. I really had a second the place I welled up, because the Banshee and I paused on the fringe of an alien savannah, he to catch his breath, I to absorb the environment.

This, I assumed, is likely one of the most stunning issues I’ve ever seen.

God assist us when VR and AI and no matter else turn out to be regular, on a regular basis life instruments. Who’d wish to spend the morning driving a bus by means of Milton Keynes once they may very well be swooping about by means of waterfalls and over canyons? The world will probably be at a standstill.

Anyway, what I’m attempting to say is that there have been HUGE highlights throughout our journey to Disney. I additionally loved the overly sentimental, dripping-with-nostalgia efficiency of Magnificence and the Beast that we stopped to observe, the place I hugged my eight yr previous tight and considered myself at eight and the way it felt like yesterday after which cried quietly behind my sun shades as a result of time goes so quick…

Story as previous as time, tune as previous as rhyme…

And, finally, have been we not there for the youngsters? Was this entire journey not a celebration of childhood and the privilege of being dad and mom within the first place, an opportunity to actually join as a household and cherish the valuable moments collectively?

‘Subsequent yr we’re doing that seaside lodge thought,’ stated Wealthy, as we met up outdoors the Buzz Lightyear Laser Blast trip, ‘the one the place the youngsters go snorkelling however another person takes care of them.’

9. Exit By way of The Reward Store

One of the best piece of recommendation I acquired earlier than Disney? I”ll go it onto you now, just like the Olympic Flame. Treasure it.

There are extra merchandise shops at Disney World than nearly anything. In actual fact, a Disney World streetmap would look a bit like this: present store, present store, meals place, present store, bogs, present store, trip.

You’ll realise, the second your children step into certainly one of these merch shops, that your life as a sane grownup is about to finish. They wish to purchase every thing. Nothing has an easy-to-read value. All of it seems unusually much like the stuff you may get on the way in which to the tills at Primark. If you happen to enable unhindered merch store entry you’ll find yourself two issues: deranged and poor.

A pal gave me this pearl of knowledge: enable them one journey to a present store per day and one solely. Inform them that they might not really purchase something till the final day. Give them a funds. Inform them that as a result of there are such a lot of outlets they need to assume very rigorously about what they need, as a result of they’ll see new issues each time they go into a distinct place. Inform them they might look, however not contact.

Completely bloody genius.

I reckon this methodology of Delayed Merch Gratification saved us round 4 hours of pointless standing about in outlets and doubtless round $80,000. As soon as they knew the foundations, the youngsters caught to them admirably, trying like a bit like skilled antiques sellers as they stood subsequent to the racks of teddies, fingers clasped behind their backs, surveying the wares and mentally deliberating over whether or not or not they’d indulge when the wonderful day of Merch-Shopping for reckoning lastly arrived.

Clearly the final day was a nightmare, as we rushed from one land to a different looking for the one store that had the Sew keyring and attempting to resolve whether or not the costly Storm Trooper helmet was higher than the smaller children’ one (the smaller children one is nice, by the way in which, and was $29.99, which appeared an absolute cut price in comparison with the tiny Yoda backpack allure that was across the identical value). However at the very least the nightmare was a contained nightmare. It didn’t spill over constantly into the each day grind. I imply enjoyment.

10. Different Details

I’m accomplished with this put up. By no means has one thing taken me so lengthy to place collectively. Between this put up and the one earlier than (here) I reckon I’ve spent extra time writing in regards to the “vacation” than I used to be really on it. Listed below are some additional random ideas that I can’t be arsed to weave into any kind of complete order:

Florida is sizzling. They name it the Sunshine State however that’s like calling the Arctic the “Bit Nippy Place”. The warmth was brutal and that’s coming from somebody who loves a little bit of scorchio. Pack accordingly, get these sunscreens you possibly can spray on from a can for straightforward mid-day top-ups and make use of the iced water. I imply, actually do.
The safari at Animal Kingdom is great and – from what I can see on-line – vastly underrated.
Bathrooms are plentiful, not too busy and they’re clear. Simply in case you have been questioning. I prefer to go for a wee a minimum of thirty occasions an hour and so this happy me vastly – there have been bogs in all places. It was a recurrent UTI-sufferer’s paradise.
We did 5 days at Disney in whole and it was sufficient. On the longest day (the primary time we had Genie Plus) we walked 12.7 miles and parked in three totally different automobile parks. Automobile parking is $30 per day however you should use it in all the automobile parks – you want tickets that enable “park hopping” to be able to go to multiple park in a day.

Proper: do you could have any suggestions? Or do you simply wish to stab me to demise with the fairy godmother’s wand for saying something unfavourable about Disney? Feedback under, please!

*joke! I couldn’t resist a little bit of ribbing. I’ve at the very least three associates and two work colleagues who’re going to take nice offence at this.